I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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