haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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