I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
