I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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