Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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