I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
