haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
