I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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