Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dicks are not precious.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
