She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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