The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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