Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
