I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
