I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
