do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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