I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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