I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
