my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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