I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
