You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
