I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
