so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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