She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
