I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
