Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
