guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
