just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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