Where is the hickey?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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