i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
