$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
