That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
