apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
