I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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