You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
