yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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