Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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