Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
