I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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