Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize