apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm jealous of your bromance
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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