God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
