She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
