two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
