FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
