I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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