the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm passing your future prison.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
