sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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