I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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