Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
