I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
