Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
