Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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