Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
