He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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