Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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